Difficult day today...

Yesterday I sent an email to my adoption agency asking this question... "In your heart of hearts do you think Evan will be home before year end of 2008? It's ok to say no." The response took awhile. It finally came through and read "Never say never, but my guess is that it will be after the holidays. I wish I could be more optimistic." I've been praying and praying that it will be before year end but kind of felt in my heart it would be next year. Her email just really grounded me. I feel so sad and depressed today. I want my son home. We are approved in the Philippines but am waiting on lovely Homeland Security. We have no time frame for them. New form now with Homeland Security. My paperwork has been with them since 6/26/08. After all is done with them then it's estimated 4 months to travel before we can go get Evan. Well, that's the time frame as of now. It's difficult to imagine that Evan is 2 years old already and will be 2 1/2 before he gets home. Time flies so quickly with Ethan. It seems like just yesterday Ethan came home and now he is already four years old! Time is passing by fast and Evan is not even home yet. When we initially began his adoption the agency was saying a time frame of August-November 2008. Carters was having a sale some time back. I bought a few things for him for the airplane ride home and for our time in the Philippines. Unlike with Ethan's adoption I haven't purchased much of anything. I have a running list in my head of the few things I need. I need a dresser, a changing pad, a diaper pail, a baby monitor, and a double stroller. With his and Ethan's disability seizures occur upon waking from sleep. I still have a monitor in Ethan's room. Now I think he might even be potty trained and I wont need diapers or a diaper pail. Will there be anything left of a baby for me? Again, unlike Ethan's adoption I've yet to start Evan's room. I know the scripture I want to paint on his wall (James 1:17) but haven't selected even the paint yet. I did buy his bedding thinking I'd have him in a crib when he came home. Now I just talked to Matt about returning it, forgoing the crib, and just buying a toddler bed. Plus I told Matt that now I have to go return those clothes I bought at Carter's because they are all 24 month size. I dread that! It's not fair! I should be accustomed to this stupid adoption process taking much longer then they forcasted but somehow I get wrapped up in it with my head and heart. I know this time next year I will be making two Halloween costumes for my boys and it will seem like Evan has been home forever. For now... it just stinks! It's not fair! My heart aches!!!!!!!